WE ARE MOVING TO ALASKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After holding it in for the past three days, I am happy to announce:
WE ARE MOVING TO JUNEAU, ALASKA………THIS YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BJ was offered a position with the Juneau Police Department on Monday, and accepted the position today!
It feels totally UNREAL writing that, and saying it out loud.  The more I say it, and tell people, the more real it becomes.  We could not be more thrilled, and are in awe at how God works, and how His timing is beyond perfect.
Here’s the scoop as to how it all went down:

Background info:
I have some history with Alaska.  My parents met there in the 70′s.  My mom was working for the state of Alaska, living in a cabin in the woods, and my dad was a commercial fisherman.  They got married there, and had my older brother Taylor.  They built an amazing log house right on the water.  In the 80′s the economy crashed and they lost their home and moved back to my dad’s home-state of California, and had ME!
(two years after I was born my parents divorced and my mom moved back to her hometown of Seattle where I lived until I was 17, then moved to IL.)
My dad’s sister, Sioux, and her two kids and their children still live in Juneau.  We also have several family friends that live there.  I had gone when I was a kid with my dad to visit, and LOVED it.
In April of 2009, BJ and I set off for a two month long journey to the Pacific Northwest.  (Which was actually the purpose of starting this blog in the first place!  To document our journey, which I did a terrible job of.  Haha!)
A month in a half of which was spent in Juneau, and the other time spent in my hometown of Seattle and on the Oregon Coast.  During our time there, we fell in LOVE with Juneau and began to think seriously of moving there.  BJ found out the Juneau Police Dept would be testing August of that year, and we prayed about it and decided he would put in an application.  JPD flew BJ back out there twice for the testing process, and he landed a #4 spot on their eligibility list.  However, they decided instead of hiring any new officers at the time, they would put their current ones through further training.  BJ was still on the eligibility list which was good until November of 2011.  We were really bummed and thought that was the end of the road for our future in Juneau.  He spoke with the Juneau Fire Chief about possibilites there on the Fire Dept, but it’s a half volunteer and half paid dept, so unless you have been a volunteer for years and years, it’s impossible to get a paid position.  We were crushed.
Since then, BJ has applied himself toward becoming a Paramedic and furthering his career possibilities, and we have been open to living wherever!
Over the past two years since our Juneau let down, he has applied to the Belleville Fire Dept, where he placed #8 on their eligibility list, and most currently applied to the Seattle Fire Dept.  We don’t hear back on his position on their list until July (but over 1,000 applicants are still in the running, so it’s unlikely he will get any further. )
ANYWAY, since then, the Lord has given us such contentment with being where we are at, and learning to live in the moment and enjoy every stage of life!  We have both come to a place of realizing that we don’t want to be ANYWHERE that God hasn’t purposed for us to be.  If His plan was for us to live in the Midwest for the rest of our lives, so be it!  It’s as good a place as any.  I love the quote, “A place is only as good as the people that are there.”
So the call we received on Monday was accepted with lots of excitement, bewilderment, shock, sadness about leaving, but also total and complete amazement in how the Lord has orchestrated all of this.  Allowing us to have two more years with our families, getting to spend the first year of our sweet nephew Laiken’s life with him, staying here with my parents and Keegan before their Chicago move, BJ finishing Medic school, everything has just fallen into place so beautifully!  It is unreal.

Finding out:
Having put Juneau out of thought and out of mind (but not too far, we still talk about it all the time!) and resigning to the fact that we probably wouldn’t have the opportunity to live out there anytime soon, the news BJ received Monday was totally CRAZY.
He was on a 24 hour shift with O’Fallon when he got the phone call telling him that Juneau Police was hiring and he was next on the list, is he still interested?  “ABSOLUTELY!” was his answer.  But of course he needed to talk it over with me and get back to them.  I didn’t see him next until Tuesday night.  We were hanging out before he had to leave for class, and he nonchalantly asked me, “babe, what if I got a phone call from Juneau Police like tomorrow asking me if I wanted the position” to which I responded, “aww man that would be SO cool.  I would be so excited!”  Or something like that.  Then he goes, “Well, what if they called me YESTERDAY and told me I needed to be there by July 25th….”  ……I think I stared at him for a good minute before I could even think of anything to say.  Of course I was incredulous and didn’t believe him for a good hour.  I think my heart stopped, for real.  There was lots of screaming and “NO WAY!?”‘s going around.
So after much talk and lists of pros and cons and prayer and sadness and excitement (SO bittersweet!) we decided it was definitely something we want to do, and BJ accepted the position today!  EEEEEEEEEK!

The deets:
BJ is to report to Juneau by July 25th, then start a 12 week Police Academy in Sitka on the 31st.  It’s the same Academy the Alaska State Troopers go through (seen the show??)  That means 12 weeks of not getting to see each other (ahhh!), but so very worth it.  He will be paid throughout those 12 weeks (thank you JESUS.)  I will most likely be staying here and continuing my job at the bank and finishing school, then make the final move in October when he is done.
The week before he reports to Juneau, we are going to take a trailer and make a giant road trip up through Canada to Prince Rupert where we will board a ferry the rest of the way to Juneau.  CRAZY.  Then I will fly back here, he will go to the Academy in Sitka, and we will re-unite in October either here or in Juneau.  Haven’t gotten that far.  So many details to iron out still.
He is going to be working and running his BUTT off to finish Paramedic school before we leave July 16th.  He wants to be a volunteer Medic on the Juneau Fire Dept, and is really excited about continuing that up there (the boy LOVES the medical field.)  He is also demanding I call him Officer Beck already, and is really excited about law enforcement.  HAHA.
I will be working on all the behind the scene stuff, working at the bank, and finishing up school, while packing and getting rid of 3/4 of our stuff.  Be looking for tons of yard sales and stuff for sale, or give aways! 

I literally feel like a CRAZY person even talking about all this!  Even though we thought it might happen two years ago, it just seems even more insane than ever.  However, we are totally at peace and feel like it’s where we are supposed to be, and what we are supposed to do.
Thanks for being excited with us, and please pray for BJ’s sanity over the next few months as he is going to be utterly exhausted!  And for our little hearts as we say goodbye to each other for 12 weeks, and then to so many loved ones for God knows how long.  :/

AND PLEASE COME VISIT US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Plane tickets are pretty pricey, but Alaska cruises are decent and they stop in Juneau.  Also, the ferry ride from Bellingham, WA is spectacular!  You can even camp in tents on the deck or reserve a cabin.  So fun.

Love you all, thanks for your support, love, and friendship!!!!!!!!!

-Jos and Beej

Words.

Just been thinking a lot lately.  Around this time last year we found out BJ didn’t get the spot on the Juneau police dept that we had been preparing and hoping for.  He still made it on their eligibility list, a pretty great spot too!  (He could still get a call any day!)
The other day I was voicing some concerns to him and feeling like we have been all talk about our dreams of moving and adventures, and he reminded me that we were just WAITING for that phone call from Juneau PD saying he got the job, and we were ready to pack up and ship out!  I don’t want to be someone that is all talk, and doesn’t follow their dreams.  I am thankful for BJ’s reminder, and that voice of reason that he so often brings to my over-scrutinizing and anxious mind.

This season of waiting has actually been very good and beneficial for us.  Hard at times, but good.  Last year we didn’t think we would still be here as of now.  But God provided an opportunity for BJ to start Paramedic school this past fall, and we think it was the best choice possible.  We’ve been learning patience and contentedness more than any other time in our lives.  I feel like we have really learned to be happy with wherever God will have is.  Whether it’s somewhere as exotic as Alaska, or as hum drum (not true!) as the midwest.  We can do it, and we have each other!  Not having my mama right around the corner has been a difficult adjustment too, but she has come to visit lots and we call almost every day to chat.

A lot of people seem a bit confused by BJ’s school situation, and what exactly he is doing.  You might remember that he already went through the EMT (one year) program last year, and then this past Spring was finishing up pre-req biology classes for the Paramedic program which he started this past August, and will probably go through about September.  Classes will end in July, but he has a certain number of practical field applications he has to complete, ride along hours, and clinicals that will probably go through the fall.  So on top of his evening classes, he has those that he schedules himself for, and he is gone a lot.  He also still works full time at Artwear.  He has the best boss in the world who is super flexible with his schedule.  We love Mary!
So the next time you see your friendly EMS worker, you can know that there is about a year and a half of intense schooling difference between an EMT and a Paramedic!  (I sure never knew the difference!)  EMT’s are only able to perform the very basic medical life saving procedures out on the field.  While BJ’s interests span from police work to fire-fighting to rescue diving and being a paramedic (along with being an ocean videographer for Nat Geo…haha), it has been AWESOME to see him absolutely loving all the medical knowledge he has been learning.  It’s something he will truly love doing the rest of his life.  He comes home giddy every night after class and can’t wait to tell me everything he has learned.  (It’s pretty incredible how much they do learn. I could NOT do it.  That is fo sho.)
Another piece of info that might be useful for you to know is that most fire departments have employees that are cross-trained as both Paramedics (or EMT’s) and Fire-fighters.  That is what the Seattle Fire Dept does, and what BJ hopes to do someday, and has a great chance of doing after school.  Seattle FD also has a marine unit which means BJ could utilize all his dive training!  Sweet.  Again, Seattle is one of the hardest depts to get on.  His test scores will play a major role, and he will be competing against hundreds possibly thousands of other applicants!
But you don’t have to take….my word for it!  DoodooDOO.  (Oh LeVar!)

So who knows where God will take us next!  BJ is still #7 on the Belleville Fire Dept list, is testing for the Seattle Fire Dept later this month, and the options will grow once he finishes school this coming summer/fall.  It’s exciting to think about, and I am so grateful for all his perseverance and hard work.  It will all pay off!  The weeks on end with only seeing each other for an hour a day, the lonely nights, the missing out on fun with friends, living paycheck to paycheck and barely scraping by.  It will all be worth it.  Amen.
To all you sistahs out there that are missin yo man, I hear ya grrrl!  Word up.

I started my intercultural comm course, have my first paper due tonight.  I really love it so far, totally up my alley.  I just wish I had finished my degree when I was “supposed” to! Kids, LISTEN TO YOUR PARENTS! THEY ARE WISE AND KNOW ALL! Unless they tell you to worship the devil.  Then I would cautiously question their motives. That could also be a debate-able issue…..

BJ is testing this very minute to get hired on the O’ Fallon EMS dept that he is currently “interning” with (getting all his ride time, field skills in) so that he could start getting paid for all (some of?) the time he is putting in!  It would be a HUGE foot in the door and great experience, on one of the best departments in the area.  There are hundreds of applicants though, so it will be tough.  Thankfully, BJ was one of the only students in his class to get accepted to their ride-along program, and he has worked with and knows everyone there pretty well.

I hope you are all thawing out from this frigid weather and enjoying life and all the hardships, opportunities for learning and growth, and all the joys and delish things it has to offer.  And….stuff.

This was another informative essay by Josie Beck.  Thanks for listening.

First Post of 2011

One of my dearest friends requested I update this thing, so I will!  I guess it is long overdue!

I think I’ve just been super unmotivated/uninspired lately?  I’ve been realizing that blogging usually has a purpose.  To show off your handmade goods, your fashion sense, your writing abilities, your artistic abilities, your creativity, and me just talking about myself gets really old.  Because let’s face it, what’s more draining than complaining?  Gloating!  At least I think so.  I could probably blog about the little projects I work on around the house or the ideas and dreams I have or something like that, but I just don’t see the point.  So….what to blog about?  Life, I guess.

Let’s keep it real.  Here’s a list of my triumphs and travails of late:

Triumphs
-Successfully completed Earth Science course
-Eating more healthfully
-Went to Zumba (once), want to go again
-Pulled out the ol’ rowing machine
-Saw some friends I’ve missed a lot
-Good times with Beej

Travails:
-Self pity
-Nasty sickness
-Spiritual life=sucking
-Let my mouth run off a bit too much, oh what did I say? (mm anyone?)
-Too much TV this week (so addicting)
-Critical spirit

Aaaaand I’m already sick of talking about myself.  I’m really bad at this!
It makes me sad to think about my list of travails and how often times, it far exceeds my list of triumphs.  I am grateful for them though, for the humility they bring, and I feel like they make me more relate-able ya know?

Anyway,  I love other bloggers and their creativity.  I just have no desire to showcase mine.  So I guess I need a new purpose in my blog life!  For now it can just be my life journal, because it is much faster to type than to hand write it in one of my 925785 hard copy journals I have.

Work has been good, getting along well with everyone there.  Miss my mom a lot right now.  She’s always the best to have around when I am sicky.  Hoping to make another trek up to Chicago to see them soon.
I am going to Seattle in February to see my bff Amara have her baby, Zion Amelito Monillas, at her home! I am so excited about that, and seeing my fam and friends out there.  Funny story, BJ will be going to Seattle at the END of February, when I am NOT there, to test for the Seattle Fire Dept.  I think we belong out West, although we are super content where we’re at right now.  I think about babies a lot, what married woman doesn’t?  But God has given BJ and I such a contentedness and happiness with each other right now, it’s really beautiful.  We’re open to thinking more about babies when we both finish school.  Although, we want to take an epic trip then too.  As poor as we may be, we still dream big.
BJ is at Memorial Hospital right now doing a cardiac catheter clinical.  Whatever that means.  He is loving all this medical stuff, and doing incredibly well. He is so smart, it’s ridiculous.
I start my next course, Intercultural Comm, next month.  Then it’s just a few more for me and I’m all done!  BA in hand and ready to rumble.
BJ turns 25 on Sunday.  SO old! We’re going to have a weekend of celebration.  Hope I feel better by then.
The next couple weeks we are going to be house/dog-sitting for some wonderful friends.  They have the cutest dogs and the best house.  I’m really excited about it.  Will feel like a vacation almost!
Have I blogged since Christmas?  It was great.  Weird spending it in a new house in Chicago, but so great to be with my family.  Had a crazy trip driving there and back in awful weather.  Kind of shook me up for a little bit, made me realize how fragile life is.

Tonight I am going to make beef and cabbage wraps.  (Don’t get me wrong,  I’m no miss suzie homemaker!)  I haven’t tried them before, but the recipe popped up on yahoo and they looked delish, and super easy.  Here’s the recipe, if you so desire:
Beef and Cabbage Wraps
-8 8-inch flour tortillas
-12 oz. ground beef
-1/2 cup chopped onion
-1 cup frozen whole kernel corn
-1/2 to 2/3 cup bottled bbq sauce
-2 cups shredded cabbage with carrot (coleslaw mix)

Wrap tortillas tightly in foil, place on baking sheet. Heat in 350 degrees oven 10 minutes or until heated through.

In large skillet, cook beef and onion until beef is brown and onion is tender. Drain.  Stir in corn and 1/3 cup bbq sauce.  Cook and stir until heated enough.

To serve, spread one side of tortillas with some of the remaining bbq sauce.  Spoon about 1/2 cup filling on each tortillas.  Add shredded cabbage mix.  Roll to make wraps.

Add sour cream, salsa, and diced tomatoes if you want.

 

I’ll let you know if they suck though.

 

Meaningless!

I’ve been reading the book of Ecclesiastes, and am devastated, and at the same time relieved, at how relevant the entire book is to my life and situation right now. I’m devastated because I feel like I’m at that miserable state where I’m realizing everything I am striving for and putting so much energy into is meaningless! I am relieved because I realize there is nothing new under the sun, and this is something man has been dealing with for a while, and there is HOPE, and there is an ANSWER to what we are all searching for! Amen.

Reading the Bible just hits me like that. You start to think you know it all, you’ve been raised with it, you know every Bible story there is. But then I’m always being hit with how FOOLISH my actions and thoughts and ways are, and am constantly being humbled and sobered by the (new) truths (that really are so old) I find whenever I actually take the time to dust off the Good Book and crack open its spine. Crazy.
In a way too, it’s comforting. To know that I’m not a lunatic and that there is hope, and a God that is bigger and wiser than all our problems and insecurities.

I urge anyone that is reading this, if you have not experienced the power of the Word of God for yourself, no matter what you call yourself, take a look. Seriously.

Something I know I need to start working on, is my speech. Being slow to speak. I get myself in trouble SO often for just rambling off the first thing that comes to my head when I’m upset or scared or threatened, and am always regretting it almost immediately after it leaves my tongue. A lot of times I don’t even mean what I’m saying, it’s just a defense mechanism or some lie my mind is telling me. It’s awful, and I’ve hurt people I love because of it.
Ecclesiastes 5:2-3 says:

“Do not be quick with your mouth,
do not be hasty in your heart
to utter anything before God.
God is in heaven
and you are on earth,
so let your words be few.
A dream comes when there are many cares,
and many words mark the speech of a fool.”

OUCH. Man if that could be me! Ha! I don’t think this means that God wants us to be personality-less and quiet and meek little minions, but I do think if we all held our tongues more, and let our words be few, man this world would be a better place!

So I’m starting with that. Finding satisfaction in the toil and work of my hands, no matter how meaningless it may seem, for it is in Him that I find my satisfaction and enjoyment, and in all the good He gives us. And working on letting my words be few. I will be doing REAL good to get either one of those down in my entire lifetime. Lord, let it be so!

(Had a good Thanksgiving, been working a lot, school is kicking my butt but my grades are good (PTL), BJ is loving school still but it’s a heavy load, miss my family, still don’t have a Christmas tree, very little time to do things I want to, it will get better, we are stressed, but life is good, and we are so in love, and we have a loving God.)

Love, Josie

What up.

Have a few minutes between studying and bedtime and wanted to get some stuff off me ol’ brain.

First….AWESOME news that I’m sure everyone knows by now. But since this is my online “journal” and I in no way write it for the benefit of anyone but myself, I will share it anyway. Mwoohahaha.
We got the Belleville Fire Department eligibility list in the mail a couple of weeks ago (BJ had applied and tested in June.) I felt like I was going to vomit when I pulled the envelope out of the mailbox. BJ was at work so I was going to wait, but curiosity got to me so I called him and he told me to go ahead on open it. I immediately turned to the last page (since he didn’t expect to get above the 30′s!) and couldn’t find his name anywhere. Flipped to the front, and found him as number 8! Out of 48! Which was narrowed down after 150 applicants! Hallelujah thank you Jesus. For real. I FREAKED out. I called him and he was all cool and nonchalant about it, but I FREAKED. Even though it’s not a promise of employment or anything, what a huge encouragement to us both. Confirmation that BJ is on the right track and doing what needs to be done to get to where he wants to be! So if they need to hire 8 people over the next two years, and he passes the background and polygraph, he’s got the job! Of course that would mean no moving for us for a while unless he got a job on a dept elsewhere, but that would be totally worth it. We are still in shock and have NO idea how he made it that high on the list, but we are so grateful.

Started my Earth Science accelerated course with Thomas Edison a couple of weeks ago. Harder written assignments than I thought they would be, but I’ve gotten 100%’s so far so I am happy. I think my six page papers for two questions are a little obsessive though. I wonder if my teacher even reads them? Hmmm… It’s a little hard to re-write technical science terms but I’m pretty good at adding in some extra fluff when needed (comes with being a Comm student! Ha!) I’ll have a proctered midterm and final at SIUE and will finish this course in January. Hopefully along with my college math CLEP exam to get my last two gen ed courses out of the way! Wha whaaa!??!
I’ve also been working almost twice as much as usual lately because I’ve been filling in for other branches in the area. They never asked me if I was okay with that. Of course it was at the same time as I’m starting school back up. Oh well, the extra money helps. Our house sure could use some attention though, and maybe my husband’s stomach…..and the endless pile of laundry.

I am very excited for tomorrow and this weekend! After I get off work I will have a few hours to pack and finish my school assignment for the week, then Beej and I are heading to Blueberry Hill in STL to see Damien Jurado(!!!) and Shearwater. I’ve been a long time fan of Damien. Seems like most of the music I still listen to, I listened to since my Seattle days as a wee lass. Modest Mouse, Pedro the Lion, Laura Veirs, Rosie Thomas, Death Cab (eh…overkill.), Damien Jurado…that whole Seattle/PNW scene. So good. I really have little interest in keeping up with any new bands, but I come across a few every now and then that spark my interest. ANYWAY (totally rabbit trailed there)…After that Beej and I will sleep for a couple of hours then drive to Indianapolis to meet my parents and Keegan at 7am and road trip out to Washington DC(!!!) for my Aunt Emma’s 50th surprise bday party (man I hope she doesn’t read my blog…)!!!!! I am so very excited. Family is so precious to me, and being so far away from them and seeing them so little has really made those few moments we have together so special. My aunt and cousin from Seattle who I love dearly will be there, too. My mom’s side of the family is always a good time. Crazy, but great. Whose isn’t anyway? I don’t think I’ve met one person who doesn’t think their family is the craziest! Haha.
So we’ll get back late late Sunday night just in time for me to get up and work bright and early Monday morning. It is a MIRACLE they let me have Friday and Saturday off. I had to beg for it. Still grateful.
Also, my Aunt Emmy is pretty darn amazing. Her and my Uncle Neil (who spent over 20 years in the Army all over the world and is a successful chef who worked at Palena in DC and started his own catering business and is a Chef Instructor at L’Academie de Cuisine) live in the cutest house in DC and are so incredibly interesting and accomplished. Aunt Emmy is a retired Army Officer and graduated Harvard Senior Executive Fellows Program, graduated Industrial College of Armed Forces, and recently graduated from the Army Senior Fellows Program. She is now the Director of Future Acquisitions for a Department of Defense Program. Pretty incredible people! Really excited to see them and celebrate her birthday.

BJ’s family will be in Texas visiting Ericka and fam for Thanksgiving, and mine will be in Chicago (and I couldn’t get time off work to go up there to be with them.) So we will celebrate a mini T-giving on Saturday in DC, but Beej and I will be all alone for the real day. I am thinking of inviting sweet lil old Eura lee Clark from our church over though. She has no family in the area, and she is so precious! It will be kind of fun to have our own little Thanksgiving and cook my own turkey n shtuff. I don’t proclaim to be a masterful cook who is wise in all the ways of craftiness and cooking and nutrition and wifeliness (like so many I know are!) but I am excited for our modest little day of feasting and giving of thanks.

So that’s that. Working, studying, enjoying the little time I have with my husband, and really sorting through my life and figuring out what is important and what is not. Worldly success, self-proclaimed artistic awesomeness, music, status, indie-cred, pictures, creating, hobbies, they are all fine and dandy, but not WHO I want to be. And honestly I find little interest in anymore. Well…..music. I will always love music. But it takes up very little time or thought in my life.
So I am lowering my expectations of myself, and learning to be happy with just being me! Failures, disappointments, and all! I can’t be everything to everyone, and I sure as heck can never be cool enough to please myself….if that makes sense.

Here’s to realistic expectations and humble efforts.

-Josephine

Life!

Wow…it’s been awhile! Just thought I would update this ol thing with some recent life happenings.

My fourth nephew, Laiken Robert Beck, was born October 17th and I love him so much!!!!!!! He is so precious and has the cutest lil face! I am so excited to see him lots and lots once things settle down a lil bit and mom and dad get used to this new little being in their life. He is so perfect.

BJ is LOVVVVING school. He has a uniform (hottie!! ow ow!) for his ride alongs and has started administering IV’s and is getting into all the medical stuff that he loves. It is such a perfect fit for him and he’s doing great. He loves medical/science stuff, but doesn’t want to work in a hospital. So it’s working out really well, Praise the Lord. He realized it was kind of a huge step to go straight from EMT school to Medic school without first working in the field and deciding if that’s truly what he enjoys and wants to do. He does though, thankfully.
I could rant and rave about how incredibly amazing Benjamin is and how he is SO steady and humble and creative and caring and thoughtful and accepting and seriously just perfect for me, but I won’t. ; ) Thank you Jesus for Benjamin Beck.

I start school next week! Earth Science and math, then all my gen eds are done and will start my last few comm courses in January! I’m excited to get the ol rusty wheels in my brain working again. I feel so much better about life in general when I’m being productive and managing my time well.
I feel like I’ve been doing better at that lately, which has contributed to a more positive attitude. Been making more meals and keeping the house up a lot more since BJ has started school, and I get a lot of enjoyment and satisfaction out of that. It really is a job! It’s crazy how much of a mess two people can make. Dang.
Of course I still fall back into old habits of feeling like a failure and unimportant and unloved and neglected or whatever lie of the day the devil wants to tell me. But I am really working towards taking every thought captive. It’s hard, but so worth it.

The bank has been good! It’s really difficult to get any time off though. Even though I am part-time, I work every other day and have very little PTO, so it’s almost impossible to get even two days off in a row to be able to go on any trips. That’s the biggest bummer about my job. Other than that, some hard hearts there have softened and I love the customer interaction and repore. They surprised me with a sweet one year anniversary party the other day.

The weekend before Thanksgiving, Beej and I get to go to Washington DC  with my fam for my Aunt’s 50th birthday! We didn’t think we could swing it, but we bent a few arms and pulled a few strings and are able to. A lot of my family from Seattle will be going who I haven’t seen in a long time, so I’m super excited. I get to meet my cousin’s sweet baby Sophia for the first time too. It’s so hard having family so spread out, but sure does make it special when you are reunited.

So….nothing deep or super exciting to share. The weather has been crazy. In the 70′s/80′s for the past few weeks. HOT!

Ok, I am talking about the weather now. Time to end this!

Love, Jos

LOVE

A few entries ago when I was feeling particularly defeated and mediocre and attacked by the enemy and the world, there was an outpouring of love I received from several people. None of these were people I would consider really “close” friends because we have either never hung out in person, or it’s been over eight years since I’ve seen them. It was amazing though how God used them to speak truth and encouragement to me in a way that was so tangible and heartfelt. I just want to say thank you for taking the time to really meet me where I was at and to comfort me in a way that wasn’t giving into my wrong thinking and emotions, but also didn’t make me feel stupid or silly for having them. It really means a lot to have a support group of people out there that know what it’s like and who appreciate when we can share our feelings of failure that we all struggle with.
Just wanted to put on here a couple paragraphs written to me by my sweet friend Charis who I’ve just gotten to know via facebook and snail mail over this past year (best pen pal EVER!) Amazing how much we have in common, but also how different we are.  She just really had a lot of insight as to what I was feeling and how I could maybe see things differently (she’s also a writer, as you will be able to notice!)

“…This morning, however, I read your blog and immediately knew I had to write you back. Not to rebuke you or tell you I can’t believe you have thoughts like that, but because I feel like I encounter this battle in my mind alot. What is my purpose? How do I find something I can be really passionate about/make my identity? I can spend hours lamenting my own faults and building a case as to why I am the one human who has no purpose. Lately, the Lord has really had to deal with me with all of these thoughts because they keep coming up.

But I want to answer your blog with better thoughts than I sometimes allow myself to be answered with: I started cleaning the house after I read your blog, and in my mind I was working on what I wanted to say. For some reason, the Beatles song “All you need is love” would NOT stop going through my head. So I kind of laughed it off, but then I realized maybe that was the Lord using their song (albeit they were drug addicted, probably std infected, and spiritually trainwrecked people) to kind of remind me of why we are here. Loving people is the BEST calling, the true calling of every person. Think about it, in the garden of Eden, God made man. He made man and his task was to look after the garden, but He saw that it wasn’t good for man to do that alone…and even just to do that. A task-centered purpose wasn’t enough to satiate this new being He had created. So He made a woman. And then God said, Wow, this is good. This man is made to love me, and to love other people, and then he fulfills his purpose so much better. So much easier. A forbidden fruit and a day that changed the course of history later, “man” in our deepest place, needs to love and be loved. That’s the joi de vie.

Now we live in this world, where people are bad at loving people, and we hurt each other, and no one really knows how to recover because we have to love God first, and let His love fill us, but no one does that 100% of the time perfectly, and we’re pretty messed up as a result. So love gets the backseat to new things…new ways man wants to think he can fulfill his purpose (without having to wade through the mess of love). And so we start identifying each other by what we do, and what we are, rather than who we are and what we love. We start to say— man, she is an incredible singer, and that’s who she is. That’s all she is. Or this guy is an author, his life purpose is writing. Have you ever seen what happens to someone who is the job? Who is their career or their talent? They end up committing suicide. (Bleak, but I am being serious) We are made to love each other, and love is to be the most pursued after goal of our lives. In the New Testament, Jesus gets asked which commandments are the best, the biggest, the most vital…and He replies, Loving God–really loving him, with a whole mind, heart, soul, and stength– and then loving others like we would love ourselves. Note, He puts no emphasis on discovering ourselves, really living up the talents we’ve been given, going out and making something of ourselves. He doesnt even mention it at all. He simply wants us to love. To live in love. Ephesians 5:1 says, ” Be imitators of God, therefore, and live a life of love.”‘ -Charis Freije

I’ve gone back and read this so many times.  She really puts it all into perspective.  While I still struggle with feelings of mediocrity and lowliness and like I’ll never be good enough, maybe it’s because it’s partially true? I will never be good enough or successful enough or a good enough friend or anything else, when measured by the world’s standards. But that’s not who I am trying to please. To have LOVE as my ultimate goal and purpose, now I can try to do that. That is something that I know how to do, not all the time, and not wholeheartedly, but it’s something to strive for and reach towards. I have a husband to love, a family to love, and tons of people in my community and vicinity that are all yearning to be shown LOVE.
We really do try to over-complicate things don’t we? While I’m always reading into things way too much (ALL THE TIME!) I need to just remember to LOVE, and to LET myself BE loved.